


sincerely, me

by transzoemurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gay Jared, Gay Jokes, I do what I want, I love will roland, I suppose, Illegal Activities, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Kleinsen, M/M, SINCERELY ME, bc i lost my 1st person abilities in 8th grade, deh novel hate club, evan hansen is bad at sarcasm, fucc u val emmich, hhhhh, it’s in, letter writing, third person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 15:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18318029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: “The objective here is to show that I was a good friend. That I was trying to help him.”Objective? What a nerd. Jared tried to hide the soft smile that threatened to break through his stony exterior. “Oh, my God.”He grabbed the laptop back.// the sincerely me  letter writing scene, w/ dialogue mostly from the novel.





	sincerely, me

**Author's Note:**

> this is all canon now, thanks will. the dialogue is from the novel up to “Not even gonna ask” because thats all i have. also i hate the novel a lot but this is canon because deh’s my city now and i said so. like, hm, making connor not abusive all of a sudden? dont like that. making jared, a canon jew, antisemitic? dont fuckin like that. (i KNOW that he was “thinking about something else” or whatever, but like, the fact that val even felt the need to make that “joke”?? it’s a bit……… it’s doubleplus ungood). “zOe LiEd” is…..rlly rlly bad. etc. /rant over

 

Jared’s SUV swerved into the lot of Workout Heaven and slammed into a parking spot. He slammed the car door with a bit too much force and shifted the bag on his shoulder. Evan was following behind him, a bit like a lost puppy, but mostly like a really pissed off lost puppy. 

Jared hopped into the revolving door and resisted the urge to run into the dividers again and again.

“Uh - Why are we here?” Evan asked.

Jared winked and flashed his membership card to the muscle bro at the front desk. “I’m back. This is my guest.”

The man didn’t even look up. “‘Kay.”

“Do you work out here?”

Jared mentally weighted his options. Although it was the truth, telling Evan that he only worked out when he was relatively motivated to get said boy’s attention wasn’t the best way to go.

“No, but my parents think I do.” He led Evan through the gym and into a quiet corner, half out of view. “Trust me, this is a great spot to do homework. Have you ever watched a woman run on a treadmill?”

Jared was gay. Evan knew he was gay. However, Evan didn’t seem to pick up the joke. “That’s n-not, uh, I don’t feel-”

Jared resisted the urge to sigh loudly. _Joke, Evan. I’m gay. I’m gay as a motherfucking rainbow. Please_. “Look, for this kind of job, I can’t be on my own network. Think of it as an extra precaution! Being on open Wi-Fi will make it harder for anyone to trace this back to us.”

Evan’s face betrayed his panic. “Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this. There’s gotta be another way. If the Murphys ask me about the emails, I won’t respond! It’s not like they’re gonna hunt me down, right?”

Jesus Christ. What was he going to do, morph into a statue until the moment passed?

“If you back out now, you still owe me the twenty dollars.” That was also a lie. He’d have gladly done this for free just to be with Evan, but whatever. Evan didn’t have to know that. He sat down on the back of the bench, the laptop at a level where Evan could easily see it despite being on the actual _bench_ part of the bench.

“Let’s just write one email and see what happens,” Evan suggested.

Jared nodded. He could do that.

**Yo, Evan, sorry it’s been a minute. I’ve been all crazy and shit, ya feel me?**

“Why are you making him talk like that?”

“Like what?” _Sorry to break it to you, Evan, but this is how, like,_ real _teenagers speak_. Or, well. Maybe not. Jared didn’t have a goddamn clue how “real” teenagers spoke. He was just making shit up as he went.

“Y’know, like — that! Just, make him talk normally!”

Jared erased everything and started over.

**Dearest Mister Hansen, I am terribly sorry for the fact that I have failed to maintain contact. Life has been most challenging of late.**

“Wait, now he sounds like a prince or something! Just have him speak like you and I do!”

_Okay, so “Connor” will be hopelessly pining? Got it. Easy._

“And it has to match my letter exactly,” Evan continued. “Make it say ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’”

“Why would you guys refer to each other by your full names?” Jared asked dryly.

Evan huffed. “I don’t know, just try to do that, okay?!”

“Suit yourself,” Jared sighed. Evan really _was_ hopeless (and Jared really was hopelessly pining, but that was irrelevant).

**dear Evan Hansen, sorry I’ve been out of touch. things have been crazy!**

“That’s perfect,” Evan exclaimed.

Naturally, Jared couldn’t let any positive opinion of him remain for long. And what could destroy Evan’s positivity more than his honesty?

**I want you to know that this whole time you’ve been on my mind. I rub my nipples every night as I dream of your sweet, sweet face.**

“Why would you write that?!” Evan nearly shrieked.

“I’m just trying to tell the truth,” Jared said honestly. He was, in fact, trying to tell the truth. It was his new goal. For as long as he was writing “from Connor’s perspective,” he would tell the full truth.

“Y’know, if you’re not going to take this seriously, then forget it. These emails have to prove that we were actually friends. They’ve got to be completely realistic!”

“There is nothing _un_ realistic about the love that one man feels for another!” Jared nearly snapped. “In fact,” he continued, “There’s something quite beautiful-”

“Write down exactly what I say,” Evan said. “ **life without you has been hard**.”

Jared laughed under his breath. “Hard?!”

“Fine, change it to rough!”

Jared couldn’t keep it together at that. “Kinky!”

…He should never have been granted this much power. This much access to Evan’s emotions was bound to end badly.

“Here. Let me try.”

**life without you has been difficult. I really miss talking to you about life and other stuff.**

“Very specific,” Jared pointed out.

“Shut up!” Evan said.

Jared fought to control his blush. _This_ was the reaction he wanted.

**I like my parents.**

He couldn’t stop himself. “Who _says_ that?”

“Fine.”

**I love my parents, but I hate how much we fight. I should really stop smoking drugs.**

“Oh, _smoking_ _drugs_!” God damn, Evan was truly innocent when it came to drugs, wasn’t he? Did he not take the mandatory sophomore year health class?

“Just fix it.”

“This isn’t realistic at all!”

“And how do you know; you barely _knew_ Connor!”

 _Yeah, and you barely know_ me _anymore. Not since I distanced myself from you and you didn’t even_ try _to find out what was wrong._

“The objective here is to show that I was a good friend. That I was trying to _help_ him.”

 _Objective? What a nerd_. Jared tried to hide the soft smile that threatened to break through his stony exterior. “Oh, my God.”

He grabbed the laptop back.

**I should really take your advice and stop smoking crack.**

Aghast, Evan shrieked, “CRACK?!” Jared was in the midst of cackling when Evan continued, “That’s a little extreme, no? Do people at our school actually smoke crack?”

 _Oh, my God_.

**I should really take your advice and stop smoking pot. then, everything might be okay! and I’ll try to be nicer! wish me luck.**

_I’ll need it._ He still came off as an asshole even when he was trying. So why try?

“That’s not bad, actually! Now sign it at the bottom, ‘Sincerely, me.’”

“…Not even gonna ask,” Jared decided, but he did despite. “Are we done?”

“I can’t just show them one email, these emails have to show- they have to prove that we’re-”

“Okay, _please_ stop hyperventilating.” Jared knew that the second Evan went into full blown panic mode, he would too, because that left him two choices: hurt Evan at his weakest or expose his vulnerability to the other boy. Neither was good.

“I’m not hyperventilating,” Evan hyperventilated.

“You’re, uh, you’re having considerable trouble breathing. Do you need a paper bag?” Jared asked sarcastically, although he was truly worried for the other boy.

“I’m not hyperventilating,” Evan whisper-shouted, and he’d gotten so close to Jared that he could _feel_ his heart hammering against his ribcage.

Jared opened a new file to distract himself from the blush rising on his cheeks.

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

“I miss our talks, too,” Evan suggested.

**every night, I long achingly for your sweet embrace as I slip my hand undsjbfvjdhgjjk**

“No? Too far?” Jared smirked.

“Please,” Evan huffed.

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**I miss our talks as well. I fully agree that you should stop doing drugs.**

“I mean, sure.”

**maybe try paced breathing and going on walks?**

“That’s not gonna help an addiction, Evan.”

**that’s something Dr. Sherman told me.**

“Who the hell is Dr. Sherman?” He knew who Dr. Sherman was. He collapsed in that office every Thursday to talk about his problems.

“Does that matter?”

**I’m sending you pictures of all the amazing trees I saw this past week.**

“No,” Jared said.

**you’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise.**

“Oh, absolutely not.”

Evan ignored him.

**dude, I’m proud of you. keep on pushing through, man! all it takes is just a little work. you can be who you really are, then, you know?**

**sincerely, me**

Jared was slightly curious as to if Evan had read his journal by mistake, believing it was some kind of depressing handwritten novel. It was exactly what he needed to hear. _You can be who you really are._

Was it possible that Evan was speaking the truth as well?

…No. No way. Evan didn’t care about him anymore.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

Evan continued writing.

**…thank you so much.**

Jared didn’t have any sarcastic commentary. Evan looked up at him as if he were expecting some, but Jared just shrugged. “I dunno how he’d respond to that.”

“It’s… not terrible…?”

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**hey, I’m just glad we’re friends!**

Evan’s hands stilled over the keyboard for a moment.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**do you ever feel like our friendship is like… it’s more than other people’s, y’know? it’s deeper than the relationships of our peers.**

“The relationships of our peers,” Jared whispered.

 **a lot of other peoples’** , Evan corrected.

**…but like, not because we’re dating or anything. like, we’re close, but just bros, y’know?**

Evan nodded, satisfied with his work.

“Yeah, not because you’re gay,” Jared agreed.

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**haha yeah, the only man I love is my dad**

**sincerely me,**

**_You remember that day, right?_ **

“What day?” Jared nearly snapped.

“The day Connor and I went to the orchard and talked about our dads. _Obviously_ ,” Evan said. He rolled his eyes.

It stung.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**of course I do!**

**I’m glad you’re getting better, btw. you looked happier when I saw you today.**

**sincerely me,**

**your best friend,**

**Connor Murphy**

“‘Your best friend?’ Who signs emails like that?” Jared asked. _And does the last decade mean nothing to you?_

“Connor, apparently.”

“You didn’t even know him,” Jared said. _You don’t even know_ me. “And let me tell you, he wouldn’t have signed emails like that.”

“How do you know, did you know him?” Evan challenged.

“Have you seen the kid, like, ever? He wouldn’t sign emails like that.” He did know Connor. His left jawbone had become very acquainted with Connor’s fist on one occasion due to Jared’s being openly gay.

Evan ignored him.

**Dear Connor Murphy,**

**you were talking about your sister today. I hope things get better with her. I can tell how much you love her and**

Jared scoffed.

“Your problem is?”

“Continue,” he sighed, unwilling to fight Evan on this. It shouldn’t be his responsibility to explain Zoe’s clear trauma symptoms anyway. God, what was he, Evan’s fucking personal Google whenever he needed help talking to people? He barely knew how to communicate anyway.

Evan wrote a few more emails, including inside jokes with “Connor” and far too many mentions of trees before sighing. “Are you gonna help at all, or…?”

“I’ve done my part,” Jared shrugged. “I’m the one who got the 40-grand-each servers set up and working. I did all the programming. So. I mean. I’m kinda done here. But by all means,” he leaned back, “carry on.”

Evan didn’t catch the sarcasm. “Okay. I will.”

**Author's Note:**

> will roland is far too powerful. he holds my poor kleinsen shipping heart in his two (2) mic-grabbing hands. every time he speaks flowers bloom. he legally creates a kleinsen playlist and somehow convinced playbill to let him near spotify again. “not all men”? you’re right, will roland would never do this. my tumblr is @trans-zoe-murphy


End file.
